Celeste Kathleen
Photo by Matt Ramey
Raleigh poet, Celeste Kathleen, is about to release a collection of poems, The Floor of a Bathroom, that tackles her personal experiences with childhood trauma, mental health, substance abuse, and domestic violence. Moments spent alone have been transformed into thematic and emotive poetry. Her pieces have been viewed over 2 million times on social media.
I cannot imagine my morning without_______.
A bagel. I eat a bagel sandwich for breakfast every single day! I cannot (and do not want to) imagine a bagel-less day. My go to is NY Deli & Bagel in Raleigh of course. I alternate between egg and cheese and lox.
Who made you laugh out loud recently?
Conan O’Brien! I was stuck in an airport for 19 hours recently on flight delays and was listening to Conan’s podcast. I’ve been a fan of his since I was a little kid. He is my all time favorite comedian and comedy writer. He has a way of going after the understated, clean laugh that is so incredibly impressive and difficult to do. While alone, super-stressed with air travel, and listening on headphones, Conan still made me laugh out loud.
What is the most inane thing you’ve ever argued about with someone?
Oh I’ve got the perfect example for this. I was arguing with my best friend Spencer about whether I could land an airplane or not. He has a background in aerospace engineering and I asked him if he thought he could land a plane in an emergency. He said he didn't think that was realistic and I said that I really thought that I could (despite my lack of background in anything aircraft related). He’s really committed to getting me to understand that it’s highly unlikely I’d have the skills to do that, but I choose to believe that under pressure I’d rise to the occasion. I believe in myself.
Would you rather live in a world without winter or without summer?
Without winter for sure! I grew up in Minnesota and moved to the south 10 years ago. I’m absolutely fine with not having to endure a harsh winter ever again, haha.
What present day author would you like to have a drink with?
Definitely Chanel Miller. She wrote Know My Name: A Memoir, about her experience with the court system and public opinion regarding her sexual assault case. It’s a book I recommend a lot. I have a deep admiration and respect for her and those who choose to bravely and bluntly speak on topics that often carry shame and stigma. Her power and voice in sharing her story is incredibly inspiring.
Butterfly’s Wing
Start off on 10mg of Lexapro
take it each morning
probably with food
can cause headaches
and nausea
and changes in mood
and all kinds of thoughts
you did not have before
can cause wondering what you are doing this for
Ativan and Remeron
Effexor and hanging on
you have to try a bunch
and see what sticks
a psychiatrist cannot perform magic tricks
but I am woman who was sawed in half
and this is a student health center
violently understaffed
I cannot find my will to live
in the figurines of The Simpsons
on the shelf of a man
just trying to make a difference
I used to keep all the bottles
to all the prescriptions
line them up numerically
from the date they were written
I thought if long enough it would work like map
like breadcrumbs on a path
I could find my way back
to where it first started
and change everything
I’d take a fucking chainsaw to the butterfly’s wing
and probably when I shouldn’t have
I quit them all cold turkey
if anything was going to hurt me
I was going hurt me
my brain zapped like the way Google described it
if Marge didn’t have it
maybe this is how I’d find it
a lighting rod to the brain sounds a little relieving
like scratching a scab that is already bleeding
I threw up for three days
until they were out of my system for real
and I started feeling all the feelings
I didn’t want to feel
all of things that had been turned off for awhile
I went on a walk in the dark alone for a mile
and it is cycle
it is all cycle
they probably won’t help
but it’s enough that they might though
and the floor of a bathroom
is the floor of a bathroom
at your house
at my house
at 2 in the afternoon
and Doc I don’t blame you
it is not your fault
you really did answer
every time I called
it might be the fault of my parents or my brain
or my agitating belief
that we should be the same
or at least that I should be a little more like everyone else is
a modern
self-aware
glaring
deficit
everyone on the internet is a bit of an armchair therapist
but he took some advice because it seemed like they cared a bit
and he found a book
about how we made up depression
and we could think our way out of the chronic stress we were in
and I Google every ache and pain
thinking I’m going to die
while he is incognito
typing “how to take my own life”
and the 3-digit hotline
is the first thing that appears
like a stranger and dial tone could be the real cure
but everything in this system is designed to be a stop gap
shut up
feel better
and probably don’t do that
one day they’ll take him to the hospital
and then to court
and say we will shove help down your throat
and get you support
back where you started this time with bills from the hospital
in real life you get charged $200 when you pass go
and they make you pass go
like five hundred times
just to prove that you can
but no shoelaces
or door handles
or over head fans
and myself and the others
predictably go into helping professions
soldiers lined up like brain defenders
a degree from a good school
and an Instagram quote
repost to the story to remind you to vote
“it’s World Mental Health day and you ought to know!”
“don’t be ashamed to ask for help”
is a post that is crying and asking for help
because we needed it
so we became it
but we still need it
so we all start drinking
and smoking weed
and drawing our curtains
and clicking our thumbs
and running out of ways to make this trendy and fun
people don’t fail themselves that often
people are usually calling and calling
but service goes out
and lines get disconnected
or call declined because we’re both wrecked and
we can’t help ourselves or each other or a doctor
repenting remapping the sins of our father
and two dead cars
cannot use jumper cables
and I would have helped you
if I had been able
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